A message to parents, partners, and caregivers holding the line in eating disorder recovery

Click Me

When You Want to Give Up, Keep Going

If you are supporting someone with an eating disorder, there will be moments when you desperately want to stop.

Stop pushing. Stop insisting.Stop being the “bad guy.”Stop holding boundaries that feel like they’re breaking the relationship.

Those moments do not mean you are doing something wrong. They mean you are doing something hard.

Structure is not cruelty, it is care

In eating disorder recovery, structure and boundaries are not punishments. They are not about control, power, or dominance. They are a temporary scaffolding that holds a starved and frightened brain steady while it heals.

A brain that has been under-fuelled does not think flexibly. It does not weigh long-term consequences well. It does not reliably recognise danger, safety, or need.

So when you hear:

• “You’re forcing me”

• “You’re making it worse”

• “You don’t understand”

• “I hate you for this”

You are not hearing the whole person. You are hearing the illness speaking through a compromised brain.

And that matters because if you respond to illness with negotiation, reassurance, or retreat, the illness gets stronger, not weaker.

Why boundaries feel unbearable (for you)

Caregivers often know what needs to happen long before it feels emotionally possible to keep doing it.

You might feel:

• exhausted from constant conflict

• guilty for causing distress

• terrified of damaging trust

• isolated because others “don’t get it”

• worn down by weeks or months of resistance

Here’s the hard truth that rarely gets said clearly enough:

You are not failing because this feels awful. It feels awful because you are carrying a responsibility that the illness cannot.

You are holding the line so they don’t have to, not yet.

Consistency is what heals the brain

Brains recover through repetition and predictability, not through insight or motivation alone.

Meals eaten consistently. Snacks are included even when they are refused emotionally. Boundaries held calmly, repeatedly, boringly.

Every time you follow through, even while shaking inside, you are teaching the brain something essential:

Food will happen whether I argue or not. I do not need to fight this to survive.

That learning does not show up immediately as gratitude.Often, it shows up as more anger before there is less.

This is not backsliding. It is the illness losing ground.

Compassion does not mean loosening the boundary

One of the most painful misunderstandings caregivers carry is the idea that compassion means easing off.

In eating disorder recovery, compassion looks like:

• calm tone, firm follow-through

• empathy without debate

• reassurance after eating, not instead of it

• separating the person from the illness

• holding hope when they cannot

You can be gentle and unmovable. You can be kind and consistent. You can be loving and say, “This is not optional.”

When you feel like you cannot do another meal

If you are at the breaking point, pause, but do not abandon structure.

Reach out:

• to your treatment team

• to parent or caregiver support groups

• to trusted people who understand eating disorders specifically

And remind yourself:

• You are not causing the distress; the illness is.

• Short-term pain protects against long-term harm.

• Your steadiness matters more than your perfection.

• This phase is not forever, even though it feels endless.

Keep going, "thank you " even when it feels thankless

Many caregivers never hear the words thank you during the hardest stages.

Often those words come later, sometimes years later, once the brain has healed enough to look back with clarity.

Until then, please know this:

Your consistency is doing real biological work. Your boundaries are buying time for recovery. Your presence matters more than you can see right now.

If today feels heavy, you are not alone. If today feels impossible, you are still doing something profoundly meaningful.

Keep going. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s necessary.

I wrote a book