What to Avoid Saying and What to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder

Why Words Matter More Than You Think

When someone has an eating disorder, their brain is often undernourished and under intense threat perception. This means that comments meant to be supportive can land as criticism, pressure, or danger — even when intentions are good.

Many people say the “wrong thing” not because they don’t care, but because they haven’t been taught what actually helps.

This guide explains what to avoid, what helps instead, and why the difference matters.

What Not to Say (and Why)

❌ “Just eat” / “You have to eat”

Why it doesn’t help:

• Eating disorders are not a choice

• This increases shame and panic

• It ignores the neurological effects of malnutrition

What it sounds like to the person:

“You’re difficult on purpose.”

❌ “You don’t look sick”

Why it doesn’t help:

• Eating disorders are not defined by appearance

• This can delay help-seeking

• It reinforces harmful stereotypes

What it sounds like:

“You’re not sick enough to deserve care.”

❌ “But you ate yesterday”

Why it doesn’t help:

• Recovery is not linear

• One meal does not fix a starved brain

• It minimises real distress

❌ “If you don’t eat, you’ll end up in hospital”

Why it doesn’t help:

• Fear rarely motivates recovery

• Threats increase resistance

• The eating disorder often welcomes punishment

❌ Comments about weight, bodies, or food

Even “positive” comments like:

• “You look healthier”

• “You’ve gained a bit — that’s good”

Why it doesn’t help:

• It reinforces body surveillance

• It can intensify eating disorder thoughts

What To Say Instead

✅ “I can see this is really hard”

Why it helps:

• Validates experience

• Reduces isolation

• Lowers threat response

✅ “You don’t have to explain or justify this”

Why it helps:

• Removes pressure

• Signals safety

• Reduces shame

✅ “I’m here with you — we can take this one step at a time”

Why it helps:

• Regulates nervous system

• Focuses on the present

• Builds trust

✅ “What helps you feel supported right now?”

Why it helps:

• Gives autonomy

• Avoids assumptions

• Encourages collaboration

✅ “Eating disorder thoughts are loud — that doesn’t mean they’re true”

Why it helps:

• Separates the person from the illness

• Reduces self-blame

• Supports insight gently

What to Say When Food Is the Trigger

Instead of:

“You need to finish it.”

Try:

“This is hard, and you’re not failing.”

Instead of:

“You ate more last week.”

Try:

“Your body is learning again — that takes time.”

Instead of:

“Everyone has to eat.”

Try:

“We’re focused on helping your brain and body feel safe.”

For Parents: One Important Reframe

You cannot say the perfect thing every time.

What matters most is:

• Consistency

• Calm

• Predictability

• Repair when things go wrong

Saying:

“I don’t think I handled that well — can we try again?”

…is far more powerful than getting every sentence right.

When Silence Is Better Than Talking

Sometimes the most supportive response is:

• Sitting nearby

• Eating alongside them

• Staying calm

• Not commenting at all

Presence is often more regulating than reassurance.

If You’re Supporting Someone With an Eating Disorder

You are allowed to:

• Ask for guidance

• Get professional support

• Feel tired and confused

• Make mistakes

You do not need to carry this alone.

Getting the Right Support

If you’re supporting someone with an eating disorder — or struggling yourself — professional, eating-disorder-specific support matters.

At The Eat Clinic, we support:

• Individuals with eating disorders

• Parents and families

• ARFID and complex presentations

• Family-Based Treatment (FBT)

📍 Christchurch / Canterbury💻 Telehealth available across New Zealand

Book an appointment